Captive

Today I learned a few things about myself.

My friend from work called me and asked if I’d be interested in going on a date with her fiancé’s friend in two hours. At first I was excited. An opportunity to go out and have fun with my friend and plus get free food, sounded great! Then the logic/fearful/anxious side of me voiced its opinion. I ended up huddled under a blanket on my bed and needless to say did not go on the date.

So here’s what I learned:

One: I struggle with being spontaneous. If something isn’t written in my planner several days in advance it isn’t likely to happen. The only exceptions to that rule are school work and job work. I like knowing what’s coming and preparing myself for it both physically and mentally. If something is sprung on me, I have a difficult time managing it.

Two: I have protected my heart. It’s as though I’ve built a wall around my heart and only a select few are allowed entrance without having to break down the wall. Maybe I need to work on being more trusting, but I am always more comfortable when I can get to know someone first before there are any propositions of extra time spent together. My apologies to those trying to climb their way in.

Tonight I was trapped. Inhibited by my worries and gazing longingly on those who have escaped and can experience freedom. Someday I’ll break free, but tonight I am captive.